My real name means foreign or stranger
That is who I have been.
During my early years although I thought I had a mother and a father, in reality I was a stranger to this father. I was not his natural child. It’s hard to know if he accepted me as such as I don’t have any good memories of him.
My memories of him are of fear
I remember an incident when I bought a bunch of candy at the store when I wasn’t supposed to. I remember sitting at the dinning table and being made to eat all the candy. Unfortunately for me the bag did not contain all the kinds I liked. I had to suffer eating things I didn’t like and becoming sick from too much to teach me a lesson. I also recall that it went like that for meal times too. I had to sit there and try to swallow foods I hated. This could have been both my mothers and his rule, I don’t know.
Another memory, I had been accused of stealing money from a jar. I only remember that I was fearful, not what actually happened.
The most impact-full memories are of him hitting my mother.
Maybe I wasn’t a stranger in this household but I wasn’t in a good place.
Then I met my new family
Now I really was a stranger. The family did get to know me and I started to feel a little more comfortable but I still felt like the outsider.
Enter the abuse and now no one knows who I really am, including me. Why didn’t anyone figure it out and help me? My Grandmother should have figured it out.
I had to move away
I moved from my new family with my abuser. Again I was a stranger living among people I didn’t know. A child with child.
I made friends and had my sister-in-law and her family and my father and his girlfriend as my new family. Although my sister-in-law did her best I still felt I had no family. When my secret came out they blamed me as being a big mouth. I told my dads girlfriend to save her daughter from harm but she sided with him, not me.
I have my own family
Now I have my children and their children and my husband’s family as mine. However we are not as close to his family as the rest of them. I’m not sure why. I am an outsider to my real family. I have Aunts and uncles and cousins that I barely know. I have a niece, a step brother and their children that I don’t know. I didn’t know my brother or his wife. I don’t have a mother nor a father. All these people live somewhere else. No one is near by and no one makes tries to connect with me.
I got excited when I got on Facebook as I thought I would finally connect with them. But they have lives of their own and don’t give me too much thought that I know of. This hurts greatly. This is still a sore spot with me as I cry into my keyboard.
I do my best to enjoy the family I do have. I’ve tried to put my needing of family behind me and I’ve managed to get over not having parents, but I need to tell my cousins how I feel. I will do this by giving them my website to read.