Children of Alcoholics

 Children of Alcoholics

The second week of February is designated as “Children of Alcoholics week.”

As a child of an alcoholic

I have the following characteristics and traits. I found the basis of these traits from this article from the Searidge Foundation.

  • I bury my feelings especially powerful ones. It was imperative for me to keep those feelings to myself to avoid any fallout from my father being drunk.
  • I did not want him to get mad so I made sure I didn’t do anything to upset him. Not just him. I learned the best way to deal with any drunk was to avoid any possible conflict. Don’t rock the boat. Stay under the radar. As a result I lost any identity of my real self or any self-esteem.
  • I feel responsible for the needs of others. I end up in relationships with men who need help. Thinking of others mean that their judgments of me are important. I need others to approve of me. I need those pats on the back.
  • I buried any feelings of fear. I would never admit to being afraid or threatened. Keep it in. Avoid conflict.
  • I have problems with my relationship with my husband because I find it difficult to express what I need from him. So I stew and get upset when he doesn’t give me support or understanding.
  • When younger I couldn’t go without a partner. I felt abandoned. That I needed to be taken care of too. I’m not sure that has changed but now I feel like I’d like to try to be on my own.
  • When stressed I feel that everything is out of control. One thing piles up on the other and life is sucks. It’s the all or nothing condition.
  • My body deals with a lot of physical issues. I have tight neck muscles, jaw pain, headaches and more. I suffer from depression. Along with suppressing feelings, I never really grieved any of my losses such as my childhood, my mother, my pets.
  • Although I never became an alcoholic myself I have an addictive personality and many traits of an alcoholic.

Here are a few links I found to help with alcoholism:

http://adstv.on.ca/

http://www.al-anon.org/

http://www.addictioncanada.ca/

http://www.smartrecovery.org/resources/family.htm

http://www.camh.ca/

http://forums.psychcentral.com/adult-children-alcoholics/

Are you a Child of an Alcoholic?
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Addictive Personality

 Addictive Personality

Things could have turned out so much worse for me. It’s a wonder I managed to not get hooked on drugs and alcohol. I had plenty opportunity. I was already addicted to cigarettes and the caffeine in my tea. I watched as most of my family of origin often got drunk. I had a boyfriend who introduced me to drugs. Lucky for me he worried I’d like the stuff too much and kept us from over doing it. When I did drink I got my hangover the night of so drinking wasn’t so much fun so I didn’t do it very often.

A Friend Turned Me on to Wine

I found that wine did not give me a headache. I was finally able to have fun. I didn’t get a chance as a teen. So I could drink and have some fun but I never became an alcoholic. I could very easily though. When stressed I want a glass of wine or chocolate or sugar (I quit smoking.)

What Does it Mean

An addictive personality means you have personality traits that can lead you to addiction. If you tend to use pleasurable activities to cope with stress you may be predisposed to addiction.

My Addictive Personality Quiz Results

I found this quiz at www.RoyNelsonHealing.com

The questions I answered yes to were

You feel different or that you don’t belong

You worry a lot

You have a racing mind

You worry what others think of you

You think that if someone knew the real you, they would not like you

You struggle with anxiety or depression

When you open a bag of chips (or in my case, candy) you have to eat them all

You hold your feelings in

You feel alone even among family and friends

When you stop one habit, you pick up another (I quit smoking and started eating mints)

You easily get bored

You grew up in an abusive home

You start projects but don’t finish them

Although you are lonely, you feel more comfortable being alone

You don’t trust people

You impulse buy

You try to change things with self-help but it doesn’t work (big time me!)

My score put me as definitely having an addictive personality. It said I was challenged by my emotions and have a hard time relaxing. All true.

What to do?

About Health has 10 things you should stop doing.

  • Eating to feel better
  • Socializing with Alcohol
  • Using Internet all the Time
  • Thinking Sex mean Intimacy
  • Shopping to feel good
  • Thinking you have the Right to Smoke
  • Using Drugs to Self Medicate
  • Using Marijuana to Relax
  • Believing you Can’t Quit
  • Most of which I do or have done
Do You Have an Addictive Personality?

 

 

Stranger in the Family

Stranger

My real name means foreign or stranger

That is who I have been.

During my early years although I thought I had a mother and a father, in reality I was a stranger to this father. I was not his natural child. It’s hard to know if he accepted me as such as I don’t have any good memories of him.

My memories of him are of fear

I remember an incident when I bought a bunch of candy at the store when I wasn’t supposed to. I remember sitting at the dinning table and being made to eat all the candy. Unfortunately for me the bag did not contain all the kinds I liked. I had to suffer eating things I didn’t like and becoming sick from too much to teach me a lesson. I also recall that it went like that for meal times too. I had to sit there and try to swallow foods I hated. This could have been both my mothers and his rule, I don’t know.

Another memory, I had been accused of stealing money from a jar. I only remember that I was fearful, not what actually happened.

The most impact-full memories are of him hitting my mother.

Maybe I wasn’t a stranger in this household but I wasn’t in a good place.

Then I met my new family

Now I really was a stranger. The family did get to know me and I started to feel a little more comfortable but I still felt like the outsider.

Enter the abuse and now no one knows who I really am, including me. Why didn’t anyone figure it out and help me? My Grandmother should have figured it out.

I had to move away

I moved from my new family with my abuser. Again I was a stranger living among people I didn’t know. A child with child.

I made friends and had my sister-in-law and her family and my father and his girlfriend as my new family. Although my sister-in-law did her best I still felt I had no family. When my secret came out they blamed me as being a big mouth. I told my dads girlfriend to save her daughter from harm but she sided with him, not me.

I have my own family

Now I have my children and their children and my husband’s family as mine. However we are not as close to his family as the rest of them. I’m not sure why. I am an outsider to my real family. I have Aunts and uncles and cousins that I barely know. I have a niece, a step brother and their children that I don’t know. I didn’t know my brother or his wife. I don’t have a mother nor a father. All these people live somewhere else. No one is near by and no one makes tries to connect with me.

I got excited when I got on Facebook as I thought I would finally connect with them. But they have lives of their own and don’t give me too much thought that I know of. This hurts greatly. This is still a sore spot with me as I cry into my keyboard.

I do my best to enjoy the family I do have. I’ve tried to put my needing of family behind me and I’ve managed to get over not having parents, but I need to tell my cousins how I feel. I will do this by giving them my website to read.

Are you still a part of your family of origin?

Welcome to my Blog

This blog has subjects intended for mature readers. Note that in some cases posts may trigger abuse survivors. I don’t however want to ban children from this site as they need to know that they are not alone. Therefore let’s be mindful of our language.

Welcome to my world

I am a survivor of Childhood Sexual Abuse

I have been and still am on a journey to find myself. I have tried self-help methods as well as therapy. Therapy helped the most but I am still struggling.

When I started searching online for others like me I felt as though there was no one else like me. Yes, there are lots of stories about CSA. Many were of people who had horrific experiences that led to dissociative disorder. Many more were small children when it happened to them. I felt that my experience was not as bad as theirs. Plus in my case I had a child as a result of the abuse. When I went into therapy I felt the same way while listening to the others’ stories.

My therapist helped me realize that what happened to me was just as bad, but in a different way. So here I am still finding my way and hoping I can help others find their way or at least support them along their journey.

While researching the best way to set up this blog

I found sites of people who had become professionals. They wrote books and offered treatment. I am just a regular person. I’m not even a really a writer. I have no concrete answers. I only have my experiences and things I have learned along the way. I hope to find more out there like me who would benefit from this blog, and learn along with me.

I am not giving advice and take no responsibility for your actions upon reading my posts. I am no professional. I just hope for a dialog, a connections with my readers.

I am writing this blog without using my real name

I don’t care if you know who I am. I’d be fine with that. The only reason I am not using my name is to protect my son. I feel that my decision to keep my son even thought he was a result of my abuse is an important part of my story and of who I am. I only wish to protect him. So if you do figure out who I am, please leave real names out of any comments.

Please note that some posts may be a trigger for some. I will try not to go into too much detail so triggers should be mild, except perhaps for my STORY.

Please comment so I can get to know you too.